


It's all around you but you can't touch it

by jperalta



Series: The Depressed Jake Peralta Universe [3]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Depression, Food Issues, Hospitalization, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:09:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23759647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Jake's depression has gotten the best of him, and he comes close to killing himself in the middle of a snow storm. Read at your own discretion. Please always let me know if there are any additional tags that should be added.
Relationships: Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago
Series: The Depressed Jake Peralta Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677742
Comments: 23
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

When Jake woke up, he had no idea what time it was due to the fact that the curtains were pulled together tightly, as they had been for days on end. He found himself staring at the wall for what might have been hours, and he knew he had to do something. He couldn’t keep going like this for no reason. When he rolled over in his bed, it took all of his strength. He hadn’t eaten in days, almost thinking that maybe he would just starve himself until he died. But this morning he wasn’t even hungry - he hadn’t experienced hunger in weeks. There were only a few things familiar to him now - an aching sadness he didn’t entirely understand, a pain in his chest that by now he felt would never go away, a loneliness so engulfing that there were days he could have sworn he was the only person alive. All this pain, and it meant nothing. The static in his mind was like someone had torn his brain away from his body and replaced it with a hardly-living mound of nothing. His heart was no longer pumping blood, but grief for a life he could no longer remember. It felt ridiculous to feel this much loss.

Jake reached his exhausted arm to the ground and picked up his phone. He hadn’t looked at it in days, and was surprised to find that it still had a bit of battery life left. He unlocked it and saw the countless messages from Amy, his friends, his coworkers. Everyone was asking where he was. Everyone was asking what was wrong with increasing concern. All the comments made his stomach twirl around in his body, and he felt the intensity of the darkness surrounding him. With his eyes opened or closed, it didn’t matter, it all looked the same. He stared at the most recent text from Amy, which read:  _ if you don’t get back to me soon I’m breaking into your apartment. I love you _ .

The words sent another pain of disgust with myself right at his heart, and he started heaving out horrible sobs, squeezing the phone in his hand as hard as he could. It wasn’t enough, and he summoned every ounce of rage directed at himself and used it to fling the phone as hard as he could, out of his hand and into the ground. Small pieces of glass from the screen scattered around the room, and Jake hoped he had broken it. He didn’t want this anymore - this horrible anger he felt towards himself, towards everyone. He didn’t want it, and the people he cared for deserved more than that. They deserved more than to worry, to wonder what he was doing all of the time when he wasn’t at work. But he wasn’t doing anything. He was just lying in that dark hole of a room feeling absolutely rotten. He had to do something about it.

Just then, an odd calmness, almost a trance, came over him. He kicked away the blankets from his bed and let his limbs dangle in the cold room. He reached over towards the window and pulled the curtain back a few inches. It was snowing outside, a mixture of gray and white with the sun setting in a purple haze. To him, it somehow felt warm and inviting, and he found that he was able to stand. He stared out the window for a while, and caught glimpses of people, looking so small and bulky all wrapped up for the cold, slipping around outside. The height and the snow almost made the street invisible - just one massive blank slate, the opposite of his black bedroom. He saw a pad of paper in the corner of his eye, and wondered if he should write something - to Amy, or to anyone - but the thought of it was too much, and he left his apartment wearing only his boxers and the shirt he had slept in.

He followed the signs for roof access, and when he finally had his hands gently pressing against an ice cold door, he knew he was close. A sign on the door said that an alarm would go off when he opened it, but when he pushed, there was still only silence. And the silence grew more severe as he pulled his bare feet onto the roof, where the snow had been piling up for what must have been hours, since the snow came up past his ankles. Jake knew he should feel cold, but he was so drained of any sort of care for his own well-being at this point that all he could continue to feel was absolutely nothing.

He drew closer to the ledge, and saw it was only a couple of feet high, and he pushed his body up onto it with all he could manage. The wind was whipping around him furiously, threatening to blow away what little clothes he was wearing. He held his arms out to feel the weather as much as he could, and he stared out across the beautiful white vacant space that was before him. The buildings were practically hidden in the storm, and he wondered if anyone would be able to see him up there. He looked down and tried to see the sidewalk, and when he couldn’t, he knew it didn’t matter all that much anyway. He knew he was high enough.

There was music coming from somewhere, and he thought he could hear voices, but he was sure he was just imagining things.

_ “Jake!” _

The scream was carried towards him by the wind, and he tried his best not to turn around, but the scream came again. He put his hands over his ears and screamed himself into the storm. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be alone. The sobs again came bursting out of his body, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. All he could do was lean forward even in the slightest, and it could all be over - all of the pain, the confusion, the fear he was feeling right now as his frozen toes inched closer to the edge of the building. 

There was a tug on his shirt, and all too quickly it was over. He blinked his eyes several times, trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out what it was wrapped around him. He was lost and constrained, and fought desperately against whatever it was holding his back. 

“Jake, for the love of God, look at me.”

His vision focused enough so that he could finally see Amy, heavily protected from the cold, looking at him with tears in her eyes, and he felt too horrible and guilty to say anything. He realized there was a thick blanket wrapped around him, and someone was shoving socks and boots onto his feet. Overcome with growing hopelessness, he shook his legs in a futile attempt to break free from the much stronger hands pressed all over his body. There must have been more people there than just Amy, but she was all he could find the capacity to think about.

She gripped his cheeks in her gloved hands. “Jacob Peralta, you don’t need to do this. You need help.” He started to sob heavier in her hands and she pulled him towards her chest, as the others continued the frantic effort to warm his body before it was too late. “We’re here to help,” she whispered into his ear as a warmth enveloped him from all angles.

“I’m so sorry,” he whimpered into her shoulder, as she rubbed at the back of his neck with her fingers.

“I know, honey, I know. It’s okay. We’re going to get you help.”

He felt the arms of everyone carry him back into his apartment, and the warmth came over him like a hot pain, and he knew he should be grateful, but it wasn’t over yet. They crossed back over into his bedroom, and the idea of sleeping and waking again caused him to fall back to the floor. The others, who he had finally identified as Charles and Rosa, had left the room and it was just him and Amy.

“Amy…” He breathed out as she pulled the curtains back so quickly that they almost fell from the rod. She collapsed back to his side, and he couldn’t find the energy to say anything else. All he wanted to do was cry and apologize over and over.

“They’re getting the car,” Amy said softly, holding his head in her hands again. “We’re going to take you to the hospital, okay?”

He wanted to say that it wasn’t okay, that he wished he was back up there in that silent white storm, flying through it, but he saw the worry in her eyes and could only nod.

“It’s going to be okay, Jake,” Amy said.

Jake knew she was crying without even needing to look. He squeezed his own eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears from coming out of his own eyes as quickly as they were. He gave himself over to her warmth, to her kindness, and just let himself be held by her for a bit until it was time to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something that quarantine-brain produced. Let me know if there's any direction you want this to go/a desire to continue. I am almost always thinking of depressed Jake. Hope you're all doing okay. Much love xx
> 
> Title from Creature Comfort by Arcade Fire


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to ♡ jakeperaltasfanclub ♡

Jake didn’t remember the drive to the hospital. He hardly remembered that he hadn’t actually flown off the building, that right now he wasn’t tumbling through the white sky like he should be, blinded from the city around him until coming to the quick end he wanted so badly, the end he’d been dreaming of for weeks. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was or who he was with, but he knew he was in a room that was way too warm, lying in a bed he’d never be able to fall asleep in. God, he felt so incredibly weighed down. Like there was a massive animal sitting on top of his chest, or something burrowing deep inside him, taking everything out of him until he was a complete void. He didn’t feel he had much longer to go.

His eyes moved over towards a window which looked out into the dark purple city. When he squinted he could see flickers of snow still falling, jumping in and out of the streetlight. It all felt so neverending. It all felt so unreal. He still had no idea what time it was. It could have been the early morning, or the beginning of the night, or even the middle of a cloudy day. He didn’t know and he didn’t really care. He just knew he wanted to be out there, frozen into the snow, the cold enveloping every aspect of his life. 

Jake sat up in the bed and swung his legs off the side, and it was enough to send his stomach spinning. Then the bile coming up his throat was the only real thing he could fathom. He spotted a bucket nearby and retched into it, but hardly anything came out anyway. He couldn’t even remember when he had last eaten, let alone what it had been. He was sweating now, he knew that much. And a figure came into his peripheral vision.

Amy had gone to grab coffee when Jake had been far too out of it to speak. “Jake?” 

Her voice was soft like cotton and it fought hard against the rough static pulsing through his brain, then he winced. It was all too real. It was all too much. He felt like he was wasted or asleep, yet the throbbing hurt inside of him reminded him all too clearly that he was regaining his consciousness. “No…” he muttered. “I want to go back to nothing.” He could hear Amy put her coffee down, could feel her hot fingers on his skin and it made him ache. He tried to shrug away but he was powerless. His limbs were like pieces of paper stuck to his body. He didn’t know what else he could do. He felt his eyes beginning to water and maybe a bit of it fell down his cheeks, but it didn’t matter. He was so stuck.

“Jake, you need to lay down. Or at least sit,” Amy’s voice came through strong yet tender. “I just called for a nurse.”

“Why are we here?” He became more aware of the tears on his cheeks as Amy pressed on his chest, making sure he didn’t stand.

“You were catatonic. He wanted to speak to you but it was like you couldn’t hear.”

“Where…?” He was still trying to take in his surroundings. Still trying to understand exactly where he was, that it wasn’t a dream and he wasn’t dead. 

“We brought you to a hospital because you were essentially unclothed in the middle of a snowstorm about to jump off your fucking building.”

She sounded mean, but he knew she was just hurt. When she hurled the words at him the pressure on his chest caved in more, the tears fell faster, and he was sobbing. He tried to remember the roof and it seemed like a thousand years ago. “I didn’t do it,” he whispered to himself. The pain swelled inside of him as his failure sank in further. 

“Thank God we got there in time.”

Jake scoffed. “Thank  _ God _ .” If only he had been a bit faster, if only he hadn’t thought so much ahead of time and just done what he wanted, then maybe now he’d be free, whatever that word even meant anymore. But he was just as lost as before, stuck in this horrible loop with no end in sight. It was the purple haze outside, the static building as far back as he could remember. Complete and utter apathy. He moved his chin up and locked eyes with Amy - she was crying, weeping, her eyes puffy and swollen, her face pale. Her lip was trembling, her hands shaking. The coffee sat, splashed and discarded, on a countertop nearby, like she had never even sipped it. She must have had her uniform on when she came because now there was a pile of her stuff in the corner and all she was wearing was black pants and a gray long-sleeved henley. The sight of her sent something else pouring through Jake’s body: a feeling of overwhelming guilt. He tried to take a breath before remembering he rarely could. “Fuck.”

She wiped the tears away from her eyes and broke their gaze, and when she did he felt that much more lost. It was a special kind of torture to see someone you love in so much pain, and knowing you’re the one who made them feel that way. He balled his hands into fists, wanted to scratch at his palm until he bled. He wanted to speak but didn’t know what to say, if there was anything he could say without lying that would make her feel better. He hung his head low, more ashamed of himself than he had been before. 

Amy touched his chin with her warm and trembling fingers, pulled herself closer to him. “Yes, Jake, thank God.”

He was weeping again, feeling like the worst person in the whole world. Definitely the worst person he knew. As he cried Amy wrapped her hands around his face, brushed her thumb over his cheek. She leaned into him more and hugged him, held him tightly, and he knew he should do it back, but he couldn’t find the strength. And her hugging him felt wrong, like he couldn’t possibly deserve this kindness, her gentle touch. He sat motionless on the bed, arms hanging at his sides, Amy crying into him as he still tried to come to terms with everything that was happening. Everything was so fucked up. He felt so disconnected.

She pulled away and wiped his tears away with her right hand. “Jake,” she started, “they want to keep you here. Seventy-two hours.”

His eyes widened. “I don’t want to do that,” he said immediately.

“You-”

“No, that sounds... it sounds bad. It’s too much. I-”

“Jake, you tried to kill yourself today!”

They were both quiet, the words hanging between them as if maybe if he ignored them it would mean this wasn’t real. But it was, and so was the horrified look on her face. He couldn’t deny it. He couldn’t say that things weren’t what they looked like, because he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her - not after everything. And even if he tried, he knew she’d see right through it all. 

“If…” Amy cleared her throat and steadied her voice. “If we came ten minutes later, you would have jumped. You would have been dead. You know that.”

She was right. He had been so close, so close that even after he was down from the ledge all he wanted was to go back up. “I’m sorry,” he said weakly. He pulled his legs up and put his head on his knees. “Amy, I’m so sorry. You deserve so much more than me. I don’t want to hurt you…”

“Yet you can’t seem to understand that hurting yourself  _ is _ hurting me.” She stepped in to hold him. Her voice started to break again, “and that’s why you need to stay here.” She placed a kiss on his forehead, tears falling from his eyes as she did. “Please.” He reached out and grabbed her arms, pulled her closer, pressed his face into her body as much as he could. “Even if you don’t think you’re who I deserve, you’re who I love. You’re who I want.” 

He sobbed into her arms and could feel her heart gaining speed under his ear as he spoiled himself by remaining in her grasp. “I’m so lost. I’m so… so confused.”

“Jake, please,” she rubbed his back, ran her fingers through his hair. “Don’t give up on yourself.”

He looked up into her eyes again and there it was, that love and warmth he couldn’t seem to escape. He didn’t understand it. He had absolutely no idea what she saw in him, yet here she was anyway. He swallowed down his fear and tried not to think too much. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your comments make me feel less alone


End file.
